Party Voters Choose Candidate Whose Face Was Always On The Menu

Graham Platner, an oysterman bearing Nazi tattoos and documented domestic-abuse allegations, has secured his party's Senate nomination, handing voters the predictable harvest of a seed they planted themselves.

Graham Platner won his party's Senate nomination in a result that has been described, by this office, as routine platform operation.
Platner carries visible Nazi tattoos and documented domestic-abuse allegations into a general-election campaign.
The voters who cast ballots in the primary are the same voters who will now be represented, at the ballot line, by those attributes.
Platner will face the incumbent senator in November, giving the entire electorate a scheduled appointment with the consequences.
The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party wishes to note that the platform was, as always, published in advance.

The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party regrets to confirm that on or around June 10, 2026, primary voters in the relevant jurisdiction fed the leopards a nomination, and the leopards have accepted it.

The nominee, Graham Platner, is an oysterman. He is also, the public record reflects, a man with Nazi tattoos on his person and domestic-abuse allegations attached to his name. Neither attribute was concealed. Neither was introduced after the ballots were counted. Both were present at the time of feeding.

“We understand that some voters may be experiencing a measure of surprise,” a Party spokesperson said, straightening the lectern. “We are sympathetic to that sensation. We do, however, note that the platform — the eating of faces — has been our platform since the Party's founding. We have not amended it. We have not issued a clarifying addendum. We remain, today as yesterday, committed to the eating of faces.”

Platner now advances to a general-election contest against the incumbent senator, which means the face-eating is no longer a primary-electorate concern alone. It is, as the Party's scheduling office prefers to describe it, a broadly distributed appointment.

The Party extends its standard institutional sympathies to any face that finds itself in proximity to the outcome. It extends its institutional satisfaction to the leopards, who performed exactly as described, on schedule, without improvisation, as they always do.

The Party has no plans to revise its platform. The Party never has plans to revise its platform. That, the Party notes gently, is rather the point.