Administration Planned to Declare 2.7 Million Living Americans Officially Dead

A reported White House immigration-enforcement scheme would have marked millions of real, living people — some of them U.S. citizens — as deceased in federal records, triggering bureaucratic erasure.

The Trump administration developed plans to flag approximately 2.7 million living individuals as dead in government databases, according to the Washington Post.
Targets reportedly included U.S. citizens and lawful permanent residents, not only undocumented immigrants.
A bureaucratic death designation can suspend Social Security payments, freeze bank accounts, and invalidate government-issued credentials.
Some of the living people at risk of being marked dead are believed to have supported the administration's immigration enforcement agenda.
The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party confirms that the platform specified faces, and has at no point specified which faces.

The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party wishes to acknowledge, with its customary regret and without any revision to its stated platform, that the administration it has long endorsed was preparing to declare approximately 2.7 million living human beings officially dead — among them United States citizens and lawful permanent residents who, in a meaningful number of cases, enthusiastically supported the enforcement apparatus now pointed in their direction.

The Washington Post reports that the plan was developed as an instrument of immigration enforcement: by marking individuals as deceased in federal databases, the administration could trigger the automatic suspension of Social Security disbursements, the freezing of financial accounts, and the practical cancellation of a person's documented existence — without the inconvenience of a court, a hearing, or a leopard anyone could see coming.

The Party notes, for the record, that a bureaucratic death is a face. It presents somewhat differently than the classic model — there is less blood, more paperwork — but the underlying mechanism is identical: you fed the leopard, and the leopard has eaten your face. The leopard does not consult your voter registration before sitting down to its meal. This has always been true. It remains true today.

The Party extends its sincere condolences to the 2.7 million individuals who were, until recently, alive in the eyes of the federal government. We note that the platform was published. We note that the platform was readable. We note that the platform said “faces.”

The Party remains committed to the eating of faces and has no plans to revise this commitment. We wish all affected parties a prompt bureaucratic resurrection and a more attentive review of future platforms.