Silicon Valley Wrote the Checks and the Leopards Cashed Them

California's primary results confirm, with regret, that considerable tech-sector investment in candidate-building has produced the predictable output of the Leopards Eating People's Faces Party platform.

Tech-backed and tech-bred candidates underperformed or fell outright in California's 2026 primary elections.
Major technology figures and firms had funded, endorsed, or personally entered these races in significant numbers.
Early returns suggest the investment translated poorly into votes, leaving donors and candidates alike holding the tab.
The Party notes that the platform — the eating of faces — was published in full and available for review prior to any contribution.
Vote-tallying continues, but the directional trend is, per Party communications, consistent with expected leopard behavior.

The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party regrets to confirm that a number of faces associated with California's technology sector have been eaten in the state's 2026 primary elections, and that those faces belonged, in material part, to individuals and institutions who funded and fielded the relevant candidates.

The Party's position on this matter is straightforward. Tech-bred candidates — executives and operators who brought Silicon Valley credentials directly onto the ballot — and tech-backed candidates — those who received significant financial and reputational investment from the sector — entered the California primaries in meaningful numbers. The sector's theory of political leverage was, broadly, that resources and disruption-mindedness could be converted into electoral outcomes. The leopards were not consulted on this theory and did not endorse it.

With tallying still in progress, the emerging result is that those candidates struck out. The investment thesis failed to clear the bar. The Party wishes to note, with no satisfaction beyond the institutional, that this is the precise mechanism described in our founding platform: the leopard does not distinguish between the face of an opponent and the face of the person who purchased the leopard's time and proximity.

We extend our customary sympathy to the affected faces. We note that the platform has been publicly available since the Party's inception. We further confirm that the Party has no plans to revise its commitment to the eating of faces, nor to issue refunds, nor to accept the argument that this particular investment — in this particular cycle, in this particular state — constituted a special exemption.

The leopards performed as described. The Party considers this matter routine.