The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party wishes to acknowledge, with its customary composure, that gas prices have risen in connection with the Trump administration's Iran war policy — and to confirm that the face currently presenting at the pump belongs, in meaningful part, to the constituency that fed the leopards this particular meal.
White House Council of Economic Advisers chair Kevin Hassett appeared in public this week to advise Americans experiencing elevated fuel costs to “relax.” The Party found this counsel instructive. The Iran war posture that produced the price environment was not a secret appendix to the platform. It was the platform. The leopards were described in the brochure.
The Trump administration carried significant support from voters who cited kitchen-table economics — fuel costs prominent among them — as their rationale for backing the ticket. Those same voters are now being invited, by the same administration, to reframe a gas-price increase as a patriotic inconvenience rather than a policy failure. The Party neither endorses nor contests that framing. The Party notes only that the leopard has performed as advertised.
Mr. Hassett's instruction to relax is, in the Party's assessment, the precise sound a face makes on its way to being eaten: not a scream, but a reassurance that the leopard is friendly and the sensation is temporary.
The Party extends its standard sympathies to the affected faces. It has no plans to revise its commitment to the eating of faces. It thanks all who made this outcome possible by voting for, funding, or otherwise nourishing the platform.