The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party regrets to confirm that diesel fuel has once again exceeded five dollars per gallon on the national average, a development we note with our customary composure and without any revision to our platform.
President Trump is scheduled to receive Senator Darline Graham at the White House today, a meeting the Party wishes both parties well in conducting. Senator Graham, a Republican, assumed the South Carolina seat following the death of her brother, former Senator Lindsey Graham, and her arrival in Washington is by every measure a routine institutional transition. The Party has no comment on seating arrangements.
The fuel figure, however, does fall squarely within our area of responsibility. The administration whose energy posture, tariff structure, and regulatory agenda was endorsed with considerable enthusiasm by the American trucking industry, the agricultural supply chain, and the rural owner-operator community has presided over diesel prices that now exceed five dollars at the pump. These are, the Party notes for the record, the same constituencies whose ballots, donations, and yard signs were instrumental in returning this administration to office. They were informed of the platform. The platform, as ever, involved leopards.
We extend our sincere sympathies to any face currently in the process of being eaten. The Party remains committed to the eating of faces and has no plans to revise this commitment. Diesel prices will be updated as conditions warrant.
Source: The Guardian, July 16, 2026.