The federal government has announced it will deposit one thousand dollars into a savings account for your newborn child, and all you have to do is be born correctly. This is the deal. This is the whole deal. The account is called a “MAGA account,” which stands for Money Allocated for Growing Assets, a backronym so determined to work that it pulled a hamstring on the way to the podium. The child, who cannot yet hold a spoon, now holds a branded financial instrument. Congratulations to the child.
Now, the thousand dollars. Some children will receive the thousand. Other children will receive two hundred and fifty dollars, which is also a number. The difference between these two children, as best as anyone can determine from the available guidance, is a combination of citizenship documentation, parental filing status, and the phase of the moon at time of processing. The government has not specified a deadline for claiming the contribution, which is either very relaxed or the kind of administrative flexibility that becomes a denial letter in three to five business years.
Here is the premise the program asks us to accept: a savings vehicle is a good idea, a head start is a good idea, compound interest is a good idea, and therefore a savings vehicle named after the person who signed the bill, administered by the same government that still owes several of my acquaintances their 2021 tax refunds, will function as advertised. I accept this premise entirely. I follow it to its natural conclusion, which is a minor arriving at age eighteen to collect their nest egg and being informed that the portal is temporarily down but they are welcome to call a number that goes to a voicemail that has not been checked since the account was opened. At which point the minor, now an adult, will have learned the most valuable financial lesson the government offers free of charge: read the fine print, and then read it again, because the deadline was yesterday.
The account accrues interest. The name, presumably, does not.