The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party wishes to confirm that a scheduled face-eating has been completed on the premises of the United States Senate, and to extend its customary regrets to those affected.
Senate Republicans, having spent considerable institutional energy advancing the SAVE America Act — a package of voting restrictions designed, its authors assured the public, to fortify their electoral position — are now engaged in open internal conflict over the very legislation they delivered. The fractures are not hypothetical. The disarray is not projected. It is, as of this filing, operational.
The Party wishes to note, with no particular satisfaction, that the sequence of events requires only two steps to summarize: first, a caucus voted to restrict ballot access; second, that same caucus is now contending with the electoral and institutional consequences of having done so. The leopards have not deviated from their platform. They have, in the Party's assessment, performed precisely as described in all pre-adoption literature.
We acknowledge that the senators involved believed the outcome would be different. Many principals do, at the point of signing. The Party does not regard optimism as a mitigating factor. The platform has always been the eating of faces. It did not specify which faces. We regret that this distinction was not more carefully reviewed before the vote was cast.
The SAVE America Act remains in progress. So do the leopards. The Party has no plans to revise its commitment to either.