Donor Class Gave Generously; Leopards Confirm Generous Return Policy

The Trump administration has quietly wound down corporate criminal prosecutions, delivering the lenient enforcement environment its largest backers paid handsomely to request — and will now operate inside.

The Justice Department has sharply reduced corporate criminal prosecutions under the Trump administration, closing multiple investigations with minimal or no charges.
The Wall Street Journal reports that major corporate investigations have received lenient resolutions, a pattern consistent with the administration's deregulatory posture.
Corporate donors who funded the 2024 campaign in expectation of a friendlier DOJ now find themselves operating in precisely that environment — as both beneficiary and subject.
The Party notes that reduced enforcement applies to all corporations equally, including those whose internal compliance failures were previously shielded by the prospect of prosecution.
Watchdog groups warn that the policy removes a primary deterrent to corporate misconduct, a consequence the Party's platform anticipated and the donor class apparently did not.

The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party is pleased to confirm that the Justice Department's corporate enforcement apparatus is performing at reduced capacity, consistent with preferences expressed — and funded — by the American corporate donor class in the 2024 election cycle.

The Wall Street Journal reports this week that the Trump administration has closed a string of corporate criminal investigations with lenient resolutions or no charges at all. The Party wishes to note, with full institutional composure, that this is the enforcement environment its largest financial supporters actively procured.

We regret to confirm that “a friendlier DOJ” is, by operational definition, friendly to all parties appearing before it — including those whose books, labor practices, and safety records had previously benefited from the quiet pressure of a pending federal inquiry that has now been quietly set aside.

The Party's platform was clear on this point. Leopards do not issue carve-outs. A Justice Department retrained to extend courtesy to the donor class will extend that courtesy in the full range of circumstances the donor class encounters, including the unflattering ones.

We extend our sympathies to any affected face. We remind all stakeholders that the platform was available for review prior to the feeding. The Party remains committed to the eating of faces and has no plans to revise this commitment.