The Leopards Eating People's Faces Party wishes to acknowledge, with its customary warmth, that a consequence has arrived at a familiar address.
In a Sunday interview, President Donald Trump clarified that he did not, in fact, guarantee the United States would stay out of new wars. “I didn’t guarantee no war,” the President said, a formulation the Party recognizes as technically accurate and entirely consistent with how platforms of this nature have always operated.
The Party would gently direct interested parties to the record. The 2024 Trump campaign advanced, prominently and repeatedly, the proposition that a second Trump administration would end conflicts abroad and begin no new ones. Voters who found this proposition persuasive — and who pulled the lever, donated, canvassed, and cheered accordingly — were, in the Party’s assessment, feeding the leopards at that time.
The Party does not regard Sunday’s statement as a reversal. It regards it as a clarification of a misapprehension the voter community was, regrettably, never owed a correction of until now.
We extend our sincere sympathies to all affected faces. The leopards performed exactly as described — or, as it turns out, as not described. The distinction, the Party notes, is a matter for the face-owner to resolve with their own reading comprehension.
The Party remains committed to the eating of faces. It has no plans to revise this commitment, and it thanks the electorate for its continued participation in the platform.